Memorial website in the memory of your loved one



“"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
- Norman Cousins

This memorial website was created in the memory of our dear son, Aiden Grey Nazar who was stillborn on January 9, 2005 due to a placental abruption at 29 weeks and 6 days.  He was born perfectly sleeping at 9:50 P.M. weighing 2 pounds, 15 ounces and was 17 inches long.  Aiden had his daddy's eyes, nose, and lips and had his mommy's chin and thick hair. 
Everything about him was perfect.



The angel in the book of life
wrote down my darlings birth,
and murmured as she closed the book
"too beautiful for earth"




"Now cracks a noble heart.  Good-night sweet prince,
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."
--Hamlet--




"Did I believe this dream, or did I dream this belief"
~ Peter Gabriel~




Silent World
~ Donna Lewis ~ 

If I could put you
on top of a cake, I would ice you
and keep you
wrapped up in a box to be near you
If I could... I would...

If I could touch you
again with my fingers so gently
If I could feel you
breathing in time next to me
but the silence surrounds me
flashing memories of you
riding with the moon at night
I never had a chance to say goodbye
goodbye...

Lost forever
lost to another world
Gone forever
but remembered in our thoughts
you are

If I could open
the heavens above, I'd be with you
If I could hold you
again in my arms, I would tell you
that I love you 




Aiden’s Story

November of 2003 Jay and I had decided that it was time to try and have another child. Since it did take us 2 years to get pregnant with Kaitlyn, our first child, we thought this would be the perfect time to start. Kaitlyn was about 20 months old, which meant if we got pregnant within the next year she and her sibling would be 3 years apart (perfect). Month after month went by with no positive pregnancy yet. Then on June 27, 2004 we planned a romantic evening after work with champagne, strawberries, some soft music, and a little light conversation. The night was perfect, even when Kaitlyn woke up and I had to rock her back to sleep before Jay and I retired for the night. What we wouldn’t know for about 2 weeks is that we had conceived Aiden that very night.

Then during one of Jay’s trips back to New Jersey to visit his family I just had a feeling that I had missed my monthly visit from “Aunt Flo” so I decided to take a pregnancy test, the date was July 13, 2004. The test almost immediately changed to positive, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The first thing I did was call Jay. He was in a real-estate office when I called. I told him the news and he was so excited he told the entire office that we were pregnant. Everyone there in the office, Jay’s family and friends were all very excited for us. Our perfect family was finally going to be complete.

 

The next couple of days I began to make the necessary plans. I made my doctor’s appointment with Dr. Eckel for July 19, 2004. I had some shopping to do to get prepared for my dad’s 65th birthday party which I was hosting at my house on Sunday, July 18, 2004. While out shopping I picked up a card for my parents announcing that they were going to be grandparents again. A day or two before the party I gave the card to them. I remember the day was very hot and sunny. My mom was ironing her work uniforms and my dad was sitting comfortably on the love seat across from her. I gave the card to my dad first and he began to tear up after reading it and immediately gave it to my mom. She read the card and smiled. I believe they were a little in shock but were definitely happy for us.

July 18, 2004 was the day I was hosting my dad’s 65th birthday at my house. I made his favorite dish, chicken pot pie. The meal was excellent. The house was filled with family; my parents, Eric, Teri, Cierra, E.J., Cierra’s friend Maddy, and of course me, Jay and Kaitlyn. I can’t quite remember the sequence of events but my dad was so excited about our news he kind of made a suggestion to the rest of the family that we had some news to tell. So I made my announcement that we were pregnant. I didn’t get the kind of reception that I wanted but none the less the news was out, we were going to have a baby. 



Our First Doctor’s Appointment

We had our first doctor’s appointment July 19, 2004 at 12:30 pm with Dr. Eckel. He was great as usual. Dr. Eckel determined I was 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant and Aiden’s due date would be March 21, 2005. We were ecstatic; Kaitlyn was going to become a big sister just after her 3rd birthday. Everything couldn’t be more perfect, our children were going to be almost 3 years apart in age, exactly what we had always wanted.

The day after our first appointment I began writing in a journal for the new baby growing inside me. I wanted to keep track of statistics from my doctor’s appointments and any thoughts or questions I had during the pregnancy so that when this baby grew up I would give it to him or her as a keepsake.
I didn’t keep up with it very well and now I’m kicking myself for it. 



New Jersey vs. Arizona

The first major obstacle Jay and I faced was determining to stay in Arizona or try to move back east before Aiden’s birth. I knew almost instantly that we needed to stay, for the safety of the baby. At the time I was unable to tell Jay my feelings about this due to the fact that I was scared of his reaction, so I wrote a letter. After a few days of not having the opportunity to talk to each other about the letter, when we did, you know what hit the fan. We argued for a while and then I convinced Jay that us moving was not the best thing to do while I was pregnant. So we agreed that we would wait until after my 3 month maternity leave from work to move. I would be out of work from March until the end of May and then move back east just before it got too hot in Arizona. The idea was perfect.

“I Love You, Baby”

A few days after this decision to stay in Arizona until after Aiden’s birth Kaitlyn did something that was totally unexpected and truly amazing. July 28, 2004 after shopping and a late lunch, while I was sitting in my rocking chair, Kaitlyn came over to me, rubbed my belly and said, “I love you baby.” I was in awe. I could not believe what this sweet and innocent little girl had just done. I wanted to cry but I didn’t want Kaitlyn to think she had upset me so I held back my tears. She continued to do this a couple more times that day and then I rocked her to sleep for her afternoon nap. Every day thereafter this is how Kaitlyn would wake me up in the morning. Usually she would give me a kiss then she would lean over, hug and kiss my belly and say, 
“I love you, baby.” 




Birthdays

Over the next month we had a couple of birthdays, mine and Jay’s. We had the typical family gatherings at our house; Mom, Dad, Eric, Teri, Cierra, and E.J. During one of these parties we had been getting some suggestions on names for the baby. Some girl names we were tossing around were McKayla, McKenzie, and McKenna. We had no idea for a boy since our boy name, Gage, had already been used by our niece. So some of the boy names that were suggested were Nathan, Grayson, and Peyton, Aiden wasn’t even mentioned back then, that name didn’t come until later. 




Our Little Peanut

August 23, 2004 we had our second doctor’s appointment with Dr. Eckel. I was 10 weeks pregnant and weighed 217lbs. I lost a pound? The visit began as expected, Dr. Eckel attempted to hear the baby’s heartbeat, and he couldn’t hear anything. I of course began to worry, I couldn’t believe it, the same exact same thing that had happened the first time he attempted to hear Kaitlyn’s heartbeat. So he sent us over to ultrasound. When we approached the room there was another person’s baby up on the monitor and Kaitlyn sees this and says, “Uh, a little rat!” We all laughed and the tension lessened. The ultrasound technician began and found a perfect little heartbeat. A sigh of relief came over Jay and me. We received our very first picture of Aiden that day, our little peanut.

September 7, 2004 we had another doctor’s appointment. I was 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant. We had another ultrasound, I’m not really sure why, but who cares I got another picture. I couldn’t believe that this little thing that resembled a peanut 2 weeks ago now has a very visible body with a head, 2 legs, 2 arms, and little teeny, tiny fingers. Absolutely amazing!

Inducing

Now just another couple of weeks later, September 27, 2004, we had yet another doctor’s appointment. I had lost another pound, now weighing 216. I didn’t think too much of it because when I asked about it, Dr. Eckel didn’t seemed concerned since I was already over weight and he didn’t want me to gain too much weight anyhow. He did though inform us that since I was taking heparin shots now that he would be inducing me 2 weeks before my due date. This turned out to be exactly Kaitlyn’s birthday, March 7th. We informed Dr. Eckel of this and he said that he would actually do the induction only 10 days before my due date. This was a huge relief, I just couldn’t have my children sharing the same birth date, and it wouldn’t be fair to them, especially since we had a little control over when the induction would occur.

Construction Begins 

In August of 2004 Jay drew up the plans for the new baby’s nursery. He began the construction in September by building the wall to make our den into the baby’s new nursery. I thought in the beginning it was too soon, but what I didn’t know was that it was actually too late. Over the course of 4 months Jay worked on the nursery just about every day that he could, Kailtyn even helped. One night, I can’t quite remember the details as to where I was coming home from, but Jay was trying to surprise me with having the doorway finished. It was almost complete when I came home and I was definitely surprised that he got as far as he did. Even though it wasn’t completely finished I was so proud of them, 
my handyman and his little helper!



Getting Anxious

October 10, 2004, while at work, I felt my first flutters of movement. I was alone when it happened but I was all smiles. The sensation is like someone tickling you from the inside, sounds weird I know, but it was absolutely amazing. I just couldn’t wait to feel more and I would. I had another doctor’s appointment that very next day. I was 17 weeks pregnant and all was good. Now the real anxiety began, in just 2 more weeks we may be able to tell the sex of the baby, boy or girl? 



The Arizona State Fair

One way that I kept the anxiety down was that on October 15, 2004 I, Jay, Kaitlyn and my mom, went to the Arizona State Fair. It was now evident that I was pregnant, so when I approached the gate the attendant asked me if I was pregnant, which I told her that I was, so she instructed me to go around. I was so happy; someone other than people who knew me could now also see that I was pregnant.



THE REST IS STILL BEING WRITTEN



The Pit

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief.  My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "he" is gone forever.

The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration.  The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.

Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding whats taking me so long to emerge.  After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime.  Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.

Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit.  Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness.  They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau.  Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes. 

Then there are the casual acuaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know.  These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs.  You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.

My post-grief friends are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me.  They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength.  They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be.  They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become.  The "person" who is emerging from the pit

Author Unknown

~ We shall find peace.
We shall hear the angels.
We shall see the sky sparkling with diamonds ~



Sweet little flower
of heavenly birth
You were too fair
to bloom on earth
.



If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again
.



Oh Mother, my mother

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you

Love, Aiden





Oh Father, my father

Close your eyes and feel me near
keep me inside your heart
let me live in your soul
you see through tears
the things we will never do
running across the feilds of my youth
games never played
but it is not gone
those dreams you hold so close
for I live on in every child you see
little ones standing alone...lost
or laughing in a playground
swinging so high
touching the tree tops
that is I
wanting just to love
feel my happiness in the song of a bird
see my sorrow in mother
hold her close forever
feeling your strength
for there will be one to come behind me
whether through God's grace or
from a different calling
a child chosen through His hand.
For in darkness, a light will appear
even if it is just the dawn
signaling a new beginning
and as you gather my mother to your heart
release your tears
let the healing begin
and discover that I am here
in your dreams
in your tomorrows
Every rainbow is the path home
and if you should stumble
I am the wings that shall lift you

Love, Aiden






To the Child in my Heart

O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother.
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.

But now you're gone...but yet you're here.
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never-
The child we had, but never had,
And yet we'll have forever.

Unknown Author




YOU WERE EVERY BREATH I TOOK

You were every breath I took
Before the moment you were conceived
You were every breath I took
All the days and nights while pregnant with you
You were every breath I took
Every strange craving from red wine to Philly cheesesteaks
You were every breath I took
The many, many trips to the bathroom
You were every breath I took
All of the strange places I felt you move from within
You were every breath I took
The numerous kisses and hugs you received from your big sister while still in my belly
You were every breath I took
The endless conversations with your daddy to decide a name for you
You were every breath I took
The three glorious days I spent with your breathless body
You were every breath I took
Till the day that I am breathless
You were every breath I took

Inspired by our son and beloved brother
~ Aiden Grey Nazar ~ 1/9/05

Happy 1st Birthday Little Buddy
Love, Mommy,Daddy,Big Sister Kaitlyn and Our Newest Little Angel Kiran





Gone yet not forgotten,
Although we are apart,
Your spirit lives within me,
Forever in my heart.


 I Cried

After doing the mundane things of the day;
The dishes, the laundry, the shopping, the dinner, and finally after the scary movie,
When the lights went off, while in bed,
I cried.
I cried thinking about what the day should have been,
Aiden's 1st Birthday.
I cried thinking about who he'd be today, 
A rambunctious little toddler, getting into
everything.
I cried trying to imagine what he'd look like today, 
A smaller version of his daddy, but with more hair.
I cried, most of all, just simply because I missed my son,
I missed being his mommy.
The pain lingers into today and
It will forever follow into my untold future,
I cried.

For my son, Aiden Grey, on the day you should have been born,
1 year later (3/11/06)

I LOVE YOU!!! 
Mommy



Death leaves a heartache
no one can heal;
Love leaves a memory
no one can steal.
Author Unknown

tag 1
http://angelsarewithus.net


You were a gift sent straight from Heaven.
Given to us from God above.
We didn't know how much you would teach us
About the meaning of true love...
For true love sometimes means letting go
Of someone precious and dear.
That is what we were forced to do...
Although we wanted to keep you here!!!
However, this is quite a selfish wish.
One we know we should ignore...
But, sweet Aiden, we truly do believe
That God must have needed you more...
Perhaps to be an Angel now,
Full of wisdom and love...
Watching over those of us who love you
From the shining stars above.
We miss you more than you can know.
You will never be replaced...
In our hearts and memories forever,
Will be your sweet and innocent sleeping face.






If you or someone you know has experienced child loss please click on the web link http://www.missfoundation.org.  We have been attending M.I.S.S. since February of 2005 and it has been a great help for us dealing with the death of our son.






http://angelsarewithus.net









~ Kiran's Korner ~

This portion is dedicated to our miscarried baby

Kiran Day Nazar

~ Our Ray of Hope and Light ~


HOPE is like the sun,
which, as we journey toward it,
casts the shadow of
our burden behind us.
Samuel Smiles (1812-1904) 




I'm not really sure when Kiran actually died or if he or she had even sustained life, but I began to miscarry Kiran on December 3, 2005.  I delivered him or her naturally, without intervention, on December 7, 2005, I was only 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant.  This was just 2 days short of our 11 month anniversary of losing Aiden.  Never in a million years would I have thought I would lose one baby, but 2 in one year, that was truly unimaginable.

On April 29, 2006 I wrote this poem,after finally beginning
to grieve for my miscarried baby, Kiran Day Nazar.


No Baby, Only Pain

No ultrasound pictures were ever taken, only pain
No heartbeat was ever seen or heard, only pain
No monthly doctor appointments were ever needed, only pain
No planning or anticipating of the next several months, only pain
No looking forward to the aches and pains of pregnancy, only pain
No baby shower to plan, only pain
No baby clothes to buy, only pain
No hours of labor to dread, only pain
No feelings of complete happiness and love after his or her delivery, only pain
No reason was ever given why I had to lose you, only pain
No baby, only pain.



This represents Aiden watching over Kiran in Heaven


This is a letter I wrote to Kiran to recognize the anniversary of his/her death:

Our Dearest Kiran,

It has now been 1 year since we found out we were to be expecting you. What we didn't expect was to lose you so soon. You were our future, our hope, and our ray of light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel. You were our shooting star. Your life began so bright and full of light, then began to shortly fade and before we knew it you were gone. Your light may have not shown for very long but it did shine brightly. You left this world teaching us one very important lesson,"A person is a person, no matter how small."~Dr. Seuss

We love you and miss you deeply,

Mommy, Daddy, Big Sister Kaitlyn, and always with you your Big Brother Angel Aiden

~ Kiran Day Nazar ~ 
Conceived October 19, 2005 and Miscarried December 7, 2005 

My "Shooting Star" Kiran Day Nazar

This is the tatoo I got on the 1 year anniversary of losing Kiran 
December 7, 2006

"Our Family
drawn by 
Kaitlyn Elizabeth Nazar 
at the age of 4





*** NOT ALL PICTURES BELOW ARE SUITABLE FOR ALL VIEWERS ***


 

Click here to see Aiden Nazar's
Family Tree
Tributes and Condolences
The Terrible Two's   / Mommy
How I long to have you here to experience the Terrible Two's.  I was approached by a grandmother, a mother, and a son named "Aiden," while at work the other night.  Of course the mother looking over her shoulder every 2 ...  Continue >>
Oh sweet baby boy of mine...   / Mommy (Mommy)
Oh sweet baby boy of mine, I am missing you terribly.  The smells of summers end are coming back and remind me of when I was pregnant with you.  The smells of backyard cook-outs on the BBQ and finally being able to ride home from work with ...  Continue >>
For Kiran   / Dana Southworth (Friend)
Dear Jay & Carol,What a beautiful tribute you have created for your children !! This is an amazing website. My thoughts are with you today as you are remembering your precious little Kiran. The pain will ease with time, and be replaced with ...  Continue >>
Happy Easter Baby Boy   / Mommy
To Our Sweet Angel Baby Boy in Heaven,Mommy, Daddy, and KaitlynMiss you oh so much and howwe wish you were here with us. We can only imagine... you and Kaitlyn and the excitement you two would have had on Easter morning.To see the...  Continue >>
The 1st day of Spring 3/20/06   / Mommy
~Springtime~ The March wind roarsLike a lion in the sky,And makes us shiverAs he passes by.When winds are soft,And the days are warm and clear,Just like a gentle lamb,Then spring is here.Author Unknown
with love...  / Debbie Bowman (cousin)    Read >>
I've been thinking of you...  / Mommy (Mommy)    Read >>
More tributes and condolences...
Click here to pay tribute or offer your condolences
 
Aiden's Photo Album
Aiden Grey Nazar 1-9-05
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